Monday, September 22, 2008

Blindsided By New Environment

The idea of writing a blog about my life have been bothering me for a long time. Every once in a while I was thinking hey, I've got to write this down, tell the world. Do only women have this feeling to let everybody know what is going on in their life? Do men feel that necessity as well? If only men knew how it is important to talk about all issues, they wouldn't have issues like heart attack and middle life crisis. I would like to come back to this subject later, but now it's time to talk about me.

So who am I? Where am I from, and what am I doing with my life?
I'm 24 year old pretty Asian girl looking for a meaning of all existence and trying to find a reason of all that. I've come from a small country in Central Asia, at the present being sucked by strong neighbors and globalization. There are over hundred languages disappearing every day, so should I be worried about that? Or would I help anyhow? Unfortunately, no. I might be called a betrayer, since I have left my country and came to find my happiness and luck in a country where anybody can dream and actually achieve their dreams.

Let me tell you how it all started. Even if I would work days and nights I wouldn't get any further in my career or some personal achievements in my country. Why? Because you need connections, money or be involved in some kind of crime. Pure ambitions will not take you far. So what would a young, pretty, relatively smart and intelligent girl do without all those assets?! The answer came when I met my first boyfriend who was much older than me. He started taking care of my basic needs even without me telling him. I liked that a lot. Who wouldn't?!

It was early morning, so he made a wonderful start of my day. I still feel how happy I was that day. Surprises followed like mushrooms after the rain. He found me a job I needed, however the place I had my internship had a official invitation for me to work there, just the salary wasn't right. He wanted me to succeed and be happy with myself. Next was a brand new cell phone I enjoyed playing with, then pair of shoes I was dreaming about. Besides that, every date was a fashionable upscale restaurant. He had his own business and could afford all those luxuries I wouldn't have idea about. So what did I bring into the relationship? My love, devotion and being there for him whenever he needed me.

Although he was showering me with gifts and all kinds of finer things and taking me places I wanted the relationship to move to the next level and ask him for some kind of proof or commitment. I knew he loved me and I loved him too, but something was wrong. Every time I wanted to talk about serious side, about what we were doing next he would become quiet and think a lot. I didn't want to lose a boyfriend all the girls I knew were dreaming about. And I kept postponing that subject. All my girl friends were jealous and they had benefited quite a lot as well. Hey, they got to go to nice places as well, see things we saw only on TV and dine in the best restaurants of the city.

Soon or later it should have happened. We had very serious talk. I couldn't believe what he told me. The ground started slipping under my foot. He said he was M-A-R-R-I-E-D!!! All kind of thoughts were flying around in my brain, but I couldn't talk, I was paralyzed. He was married, all this time I was with a married man, he has children, he has wife he spends nights with. I was jealous, betrayed, lied, insulted, and fooled like a 6 year old.
He left me to think about it and being sorry for not telling me that truth from the beginning. His excuse was that he was too scared to lose me. Now you have lost me forever.

He knew I would never date him if I knew he was married, but the temptation was stronger than any responsibilities or beliefs.
Now here I am young and beautiful helping some 39 year old to cheat on his wife. How do you think I should feel? Will I ever be able to look straight into people's eyes and be same confident in my self and my purity.
Not that I have lost my innocence with him, no, it was lost way before with the first love of my life. Maybe if you are lucky, I will tell you more about him, but now it was dilemma that I had to resolve as soon as
possible. The solution came by it's own. The place I worked for wanted to send me to US for some courses for improvement of my English and it was an easy escape for me.

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